WATCH MY LIPS
When I eventually got to Teaching College at the age of 14 I thought that having got through the hurdle of minimum entrance age the world was my oyster. In fact my world was going to revolve around a bivalve that had grey hair, piercing eyes, was a little too fond of girls who were vaguely decent looking. She encouraged all of us to wear make-up.
Make-up doesn't suit every girl. Some of them had made it through good grades in the back of beyond, helped by some obscure and deplorably ignored dedicated teacher. They would not have known the end of a lipstick tube to another. Some, like me, had the good fortune to have a first class secondary state school on their doorsteps. Private schools did not exist then in France unless your family was High Church and then you were automatically sent to a convent. My family was totally atheist. There was neither money nor faith to send anyone anywhere else but the state school. Those were the post war years. It did not improve either finances or the possibility of faith in post occupied France. And I wanted to paint my face.
When I first got to face the grey oyster in her office she immediately said that I looked too plain for her liking. True. Without make-up, wrapped up in white and with no hairstyle I still fade into any wallpaper anytime and might even frighten the horses on a bad day.
She immediately decided on a make-up scheme that will haunt me for the rest of my days. Blue eye shadow to match a very orange lipstick (great for an ash-blond girl) and a foundation cream you could have repaired the Alhambra with.
The first time I went back home with all that newly acquired war paint my grandmother threw the chicken she was in the process of plucking in the air, kicked the cat who was having a quiet snooze under the table and told my gran to go and get a bucket of water. No running water in those days.
When the water arrived the chicken was half-undressed on the floor, but then it had given up the ghost a few hours ago, the cat had disappeared under the rhubarb fronds, my granny was looking for a rag (we did not call them flannels then).We kept it simple. I was sat at the kitchen table. Soon, my face was awashed with water and Marseilles soap. If you get that stuff in your eyes you know all about it. I have used it all my life but care is required. It is perfectly natural, made of herbs, mainly saponite and natural vegetable oils.
When she had finished Gran wiped my face dry and handed me the cracked mirror that had been hung above the sink for years so the men of the family could shave in the morning.
"Now!! Isn't that better?"
I could not see anything. I had disappeared in space. My face had gone. Two pale eyes looked back at me in disbelief as if to say: "Hey! What have you done with the rest of the building?"
I must have looked sad because she immediately made a dish of scrambled eggs that was her speciality: For two: 5 eggs, well beaten with a fork, not a whisk, (a whisk emulsifies the whites and yolks too much and you end up with a building block), salt and pepper, half a handful of chopped parsley, a few gratings of any cheese that is hanging around, bits of chopped onions if you have any, a small glass of cream and a good spoon of unsalted butter. DO NOT USE A MICROWAVE!!! This is one of those inventions that should be banned from the face of this planet. Melt the butter slowly in a pan on a normal hob, add everything else and stir. Do not overcook. The eggs should be still soft and runny. Which they won't be in that terrible contraption so dear to some cooks.
Over the years I experimented with make-up. Sometimes with success, more often with disasters. One can't be perfect. But one thing I could never wear is lipstick. It just doesn't stay on me. It goes on somebody's cheek whilst kissing, somebody's collar, around the rim of a glass whilst I am enjoying a G&T, a piece of perfectly cured Pata Negra ham etc….It never stays where it should be. So I gave up.
Just as well.
I just read that gelatine hydrosylates is used in cosmetics especially lipsticks. It is made from a collagen protein (free of carbohydrates, fat or cholesterol) obtained from raw animal's materials - skin and bones - of pigs and cattle. It is a long process involving meat, bones, hooves and horns, starting with tallows, fatty acids, glycerine, glycerol, and glycerine mist, all of those used in cosmetics. On that one I must thank Sharon Plumridge, ex-scientist from Glaxo, living now in Antequera, who did a fantastic research for me on that subject.
So, kissing some woman wearing lipstick is like pressing your lips to cow, pig or fish swill boiling in a huge pot. Very romantic.
Gelatine hydrolysate is also used in most shampoos, conditioners, protein drinks and arthritis relief formulas. Vegetarians, you have my sympathy. You have no idea what you are eating, drinking or wearing. In fact none of us has got any clue. Labels are a farce and totally incomprehensible to most mortals.
I remember that a few years ago the founder of one of those cosmetic chains found all over the world (and mostly in airports which really is not a great recommendation) was found not as green as should have been and not adhering to the Fair Trading concept. So whatever I had from that shop in my bag when into the bin.
Before my accounter with the oyster we experimented with other things. Geraniums petals were the favourite for lightning up your lips (and you could not get the stain out before you got home so the smack on the cheeks matched your lips perfectly), the charcoal was great for eyebrows and the wet green grass of Normandy made a eye shadow that no great name has ever equalled since. We sometimes forgot that the grass harboured a few bugs. I learned to keep my eyes open under water after a very bad session of painting when suddenly my eyeballs were invaded with little black things. I remember getting another smack at the back of the head that cleared my vision for a while.
Yes, we all need, especially after a certain age, a little help from cosmetics. But then we can be a bit choosy. There are companies (very few) that make a point of using only herbal sources. But there again, the famous French company that sends you a catalogue every 6 months whether you like it or not, "don't send money now" type of hype, has been denounced about two years ago for fraudulent advertising.
My oyster might have been right. May be I should have stuck to blue eye shadow and orange lipstick. But what a way to go!!
Watch my lips. They are old, wrinkled and pig shit free. But they smile easily.
JOCELYNE
